brandie (iammyownidol) wrote,

bah humbug

this christmas is so much more stressful than last year... how could i have taken so much for granted.. back then i didnt spend nights crying about where our next dollar came from or have to degrade myself every few days because my bank account is negative and tim cant help me... i have to go else where for it.. i owe the whole fucking world right now... i feel like a worthless piece of shit... a free loader... i don't think i can do this much longer... why can't for one day everything just work out... perfectly... i am constantly on the emotional roller coaster and me and tim's screaming fights have increased dramatically... how did i end up like this... this is what i swore to myself while busting my ass through high school i wouldnt grow up to be.. i was going to go to college and make it... but i couldnt even afford to do that... i am now a college drop out living the hard life... the living pay check to pay check just to survive and most of the time i don't even have enough to make it to next payday... why does the holidays get to a person so much? all i want to do is good and i strive to make my karma positive but somehow in the end i am left with a hand full of shit and twice as many problems... i am scared to wake up because i know something else will go on... like for instance my phone getting randomly charged the day before tim gets his paycheck... thanks alot..
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