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i cut myself again and again to remind myself of you

Friday, September 14, 2007

5:18PM - i have a new journal

okay you guys i am not dead but i think this journal is

you can catch me at http://my-no1-fixation.livejournal.com/

just send me a comment and i will add ya

(what the fuck did you say?)

Thursday, February 16, 2006

6:20PM - friends only

i decided the things that are about to happen in my life are really not some people's business... i made a promise to someone that means a lot to me to be more private... so i am making my journal friend's only....

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if you want to be added... comment....

Current mood: hopeful

(what the fuck did you say?)

Monday, January 2, 2006

11:59AM - 2005 summary


1. Did you have a new year's resolution this year?
yeah.. get tim a car, get out of debt, and pay school

2. Who kissed you at midnight?

3. Does it snow where you live?

4. Do you like hot chocolate?

5. Have you ever been to times square to watch the ball drop?

1. Who was your Valentine in 2005?

2. What did your Valentine get you?
card, flowers, candy, stuffed animal

3. When you were little, did you buy valentines for your whole class?

1. Are you Irish?
like 15%

2. Did you wear green on St. Patty's Day?

3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2005?

1. Do you like the rain?
sometimes... only when i am off of work and can sleep

2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?

1. What's your favorite kind of flower?
red rose and orchids

2. Do you like the spring?
spring = hot as fuck in louisiana and nasty nasty allergies

3. Finish the phrase: April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
hot weather and runny noses

4. What would you think of as a spring color?
pink, blue, yellow, purple.. easter egg colors

1. What year did/do you graduate from school?
2001 in may

2. Did you go on any vacations last June?

1. What did you do on the Fourth of July?
uhhhh.. hm... maybe went to my moms or worked... dont remember

2. Did you go on any vacations during this month?
yes! went to houston and saw alkaline trio with chad.. and spent wonder QT with chris and devin

1. Did you do anything special to end off your summer?
i watched jamari be born and almost got killed by 73946498463837 hurricanes

2. What was your favorite summer memory of '05?

3. Did you go swimming a lot in the summer?
hell yeah... our pool rocks

4. Did you go to the beach a lot?
no wanted to... padre island memories

1. Did you attend school/college in '05?
no.. :(

2. Who is/was your favorite teacher?
tie.. mrs. cheirs and mrs. martin

3. Do you like fall better than summer?
fuck yeah

1. What was your favorite halloween costume ever?
we did a cool one this year... ms. piggy and kermit

2. What's your fave candy?
anything that rots my teeth.. candy is god!

3. What did you dress up like this year?
ms. piggy

1. Whose house do you usually go to for Thanksgiving?
my mom's

2. Do you like stuffing?
no... just wanted the mac and cheese and fried turkey

3. What are you thankful for?
that 2005 is over!

1. Do you celebrate Christmas?
just the present and eating part

2. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe?

3. What do you want this year for Christmas?
I pod

4. What's the best present you ever got for Christmas?
a car

5. Do you like cold weather?
i wuv cold weather

6. How would you rate your '05?
it had it's highlights but most part it really sucked... i hope 06 is better.... so far so good...

i had a blast new years eve..even though work sucked yesterday... AHHHHH hahahaha i love that bonding feeling you have after those types of nights...

Current mood: groggy

(what the fuck did you say?)

Thursday, December 15, 2005

11:04PM - bah humbug

this christmas is so much more stressful than last year... how could i have taken so much for granted.. back then i didnt spend nights crying about where our next dollar came from or have to degrade myself every few days because my bank account is negative and tim cant help me... i have to go else where for it.. i owe the whole fucking world right now... i feel like a worthless piece of shit... a free loader... i don't think i can do this much longer... why can't for one day everything just work out... perfectly... i am constantly on the emotional roller coaster and me and tim's screaming fights have increased dramatically... how did i end up like this... this is what i swore to myself while busting my ass through high school i wouldnt grow up to be.. i was going to go to college and make it... but i couldnt even afford to do that... i am now a college drop out living the hard life... the living pay check to pay check just to survive and most of the time i don't even have enough to make it to next payday... why does the holidays get to a person so much? all i want to do is good and i strive to make my karma positive but somehow in the end i am left with a hand full of shit and twice as many problems... i am scared to wake up because i know something else will go on... like for instance my phone getting randomly charged the day before tim gets his paycheck... thanks alot..

(1 fuck you too | what the fuck did you say?)

Sunday, November 27, 2005


i am defective.. can i change to a new model? a new shell?

i was born with the wrong gender and the reproductive organs i have don't work and one day it will eat my insides up with cancer and kill me.. until then it lays dormant.. patiencely waiting... could start tomorrow ... could start in 40 years.. no one knows.... i just have to go through biposy after bioposy and not being able to walk until it shows in the high range... my fate was handed to me a year ago... ever been burned by a cigarette? thats how it feels right now and no one is sure what it is.. only thing they know is that it isn't a bladder infection... it could be my bladder has shrank from my caffine addiction... and if i can't control not peeing they are going to cut me open and fix it... is this my punishment for my past? maybe i should of said no a few times... maybe i could loved myself a little more.. but it hard to love yourself when you hate your vagina...

Current mood: depressed

(what the fuck did you say?)

Saturday, November 5, 2005


i was tagged my katy apparently..

10 things i like hmmm

1. my animals especially my "yizards"
2. driving and really getting into my music
3. playing monopoly on nes
4. great concerts
5. shopping a lot
6. waking up and getting online for my daily routine (reading online newspapers, checking email, journals and my space) after i actually slept and smoking that first cigarette
7. afternoon naps
8. chinese food
9. spending QT with my mommy
10. spending QT with my friends

i tag every one of you

(what the fuck did you say?)


i can not sleep.. i am having so many random thoughts...

*walks to center stage and taps microphone "is this thing on?*

how come the people that i was so close to.. the people that i was center of them meeting are completely ignoring me now? but hanging out with each other? i try and push it aside but it does get under my skin... i had a friend for a really long time and we had lost contact with each other because of silly drama.. we finally started talking again and i thought everything was great but apparently not.. he left to go to the navy and the night before he came down for his first home visit he called to tell me he was coming and we talked for well over an hour and he was suppose to call when he got in and he never did... i called him a few times with no call back... i even called him on his birthday and he never called back.... or how i try to make peace with my old best friend and he just stopped emailing me and i had to find out through someone else why .. he thought i was ignoring our issues but he really never me a chance to test the waters.. then another friend advised me to watch out for him then turns around and says he hasnt changed.. how did i get out the loop? and why am i the only one bothered by it? or how my first "real" best friend ignores the fact i am alive and never bothered emailing me or iming me or anything... when no drama happened with us... andi have been thinking about my old friend... my twin in life... i could never talk to him again... i know i am not the easiest person to get along with but damn i tried to mend the damage... sorry i have issues with being a friend only one weekend out the month... dont they remember how we were a long time ago? talked everyday... but i guess that is it.. it was a long time ago... but .. why do i care so much then?!!?

then i have developed an opinion about david at work.. and it is this: i think he is just a pathetic weak person that gets off on these little innocent girls finding him attractive and flirting with him... and he uses that to his advantage and thats how he gets away with the shit he does .. and now his little world is falling apart because everyone is realizing it.. and he is fucking kristin .. can we say walking std? how loose can that bitch be? i guess he caught some disease from her... the laziness disease... it seems like it always has to be one person fucking up our store vibe...

i dont spend enough time with our animals

i need to get paid

my car is dying

my whole body aches

i hate rude customers

i train too many people at once

i feel like i am gettig the pain again

tim is sick

i dont wanna work tomorrow

i havent been getting my friends updates on my friends list

i gained too much weight

and now i am out of cigarettes and still awake....

(what the fuck did you say?)

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

10:01PM - my vacation is over!!!! no!!!!

well what lovely non starbucks days i have had.. so little stress in my life... it was nice...

friday: i woke up and went paid off my loan which made me so happy... its over .. ace can't have anymore of my money dammit! then i spent the majority of the day with justin... i dragged him to the stores to get decorations for my halloween party and we went and ate cheeburger cheeburger... go there and get a chocolate covered banana peanut butter shake.. they are yummy!

saturday: i woke up and spent the day cleaning and getting ready for my ho down... spent the afternoon with KATY! hahah i like making her name KATY! because thats how i always say it... i drove her car and couldnt work her keys.. i am retarded... the party was cool... had oodles of fun ::::evil grin:::: not too many people showed up which bummed me out a little bit but my closest friends did and thats what matters :)

sunday: we went to the el football game which was ok .. it just frustrated me because the saints like gave miami the win but we still had fun... the whole crowd was making paper airplanes and we joined in the fun.. my mom hit a couple people in the head... then after the game me and tim went to pasta gardens and some random people knew me.. i have no clue who they were... hmmm....

monday: we didnt do anything specaturlar for halloween... we just went to my cousins annual halloween party then spent the night in bed together.. then i made tim all aggrevated because i made him stay up until midnight so i could kiss him on his birthday.... but then he was happy i made him stay up

tuesday: me and tim spent the whole day together... alone... which is RARE for us.. we ate breakfast at ihop and we went to the planetarium and the arts and science museum... we were the only ones at the show so the announcer kinda personalized it for us... it was funny.. we watched a sky show about louisiana fall stars and an animation about kids visiting the planets in a cardboard rocket.. funny part is that they didnt pronounce uranus (your anus) because it was a kids show hahah... after we left there we went to global wildlife center in robert, louisiana... we were also the only ones there too so we got a private tour... usually you go out to see and feed the animals in covered wagons but we went with one tour guide in a jeep wrangler... it was cool to have 4 giraffes sticking their heads in your lap for food hahaha... yay for that! and tim made a llama girlfriend (or as tim would say lame-a) we ate a smokey bones for dinner and came home for some massage oil fun and i will spare the details.... oh and i got to make fun of tim because we were watching a sonic commerical and they were talking about how many foot long coneys it took to make a mile and he didnt put two and two together (they are a foot long!!) and was like what dumb ass calculated how many extra long coneys were in a mile... yeah i laughed for like 5 minutes...

wednesday: today was kinda sad because it was my last day.. it it started off really crappy.. i woke up with THE PAIN.. and for those who never heard me speak of the pain its my acid reflex and it feels like you are having a heart attack in the middle of your chest for hours at a time.. tim worked all day and i went with my mom to my cousin amanda's birthday dinner at lone star... it took them an hour to seat us then we ordered (most of us ordered chicken) they came back and said they were out of chicken and after almost two hours we got our food but it was free so yay for free food...

and now i am here typing this and trying to think of a movie to watch with tim...

all in all i say it was a good vacation

Current mood: pleased

(what the fuck did you say?)

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


i came home from work and overdosed on older ska and punk songs that made me roar with emotion when i was younger .. god i havent stood up and screamed my heart out in a long time... it used to be my coping tool.. now it kinda feels silly now that i am older....

chris's grandma's funeral ended up being in baton rouge so i got to see him and his family... i hope they are doing alright... the world is missing a very special lady now.. i met his great uncle and he is so wonderful...its hard to put into words what i thought of him... when he spoke i only understood about 10% of the spanish but it sounded so caring and romantic (not like sex you up romantic but the way they descibe a language romantic..) (me and my elementry spanish) i wish i could have met him on better circumstances.. he treated us all to dinner at PF Changs after the wake and it was a great supper.. everyone sitting and sharing great food and conversation... the "babies" are so grown now.. it makes me feel old.. but they are so interesting.. i got to talk to andrea a lot and she reminds me of us when we were her age.. him and devin stayed with me and i forgot how nice it felt to be my old self.. that socialite that runs the roads and sees more than 1 fimilar face a day.. i now understand completely why i feel so crappy all the time and gained so much weight.. i never sat around back then... the sitiuation sucked but the visit itself was nice.. i mourned them leaving... i feel so alone... i barely have close friends here anymore and the time of year and the weather is kicking in full force and i missing the old days.. how the fuck was i depressed back then? i had it all... can we change it back? when i had best friends in my life and when our biggest problem was figuring out who's mom was picking us up from the mall... it seems like when we all get back together our favorite topics are about the past... the present is crap..

but they had to go and it's back to normal life which leaves me in a weird mood... i feel so alien in my "new" life...

and work is the same but getting worse.. we are loosing more people and the schedule is so tight... today started off bad when i arrived late because of my piece of shit car not starting...and tim and i getting into it about the stupid car and him needing to fix it.. then today neither katy or i got a lunch because there were only 3 of us and we were busy and it just sucked... i gave up on it at the end of the day which i feel bad about but i was at my breaking point... i felt horrible about the place looking like shit and nothing being done... when david got there i went to the back because i was having a panic attack and katy came looking for me to help them and i couldnt do it... i failed her and joey at that moment and i am so sorry for it but i was falling apart.. the mixture of my depression, feeling like crap (i had a horrid headache the first half of my shift) and starbucks just fucking me in the ass ... i freaked out.. katy i am sorry! i did however today do a semi interview with maybe soon to be barista and that felt kinda cool to have that power.. someone being nervous to answer my questions... and deep down i was as terrified... maybe it is some ASM training... and becca left today :( we all cried.. :( she rocked

and on a lighter note angelina is doing great.. she was scaring me for a little while.. all she wanted to do was sleep ALL THE TIME! she just wanted her old aquarium back so hector gets the big one now she is eating crickets like crazy again...

i am so fucking confused about myself... my feelings... my life.. my everything.. i am a big pile of mess

goldfinger - superman <-- the way i feel

So here I am
doing everything I can
holding on to what I am
pretending I'm a superman

I'm trying to keep
the ground on my feet
it seems the world's
falling down around me

The nights are all long
I'm singing this song
to try and make the answers
more than maybe

And I'm so confused
about what to do
sometimes I want
to throw it all away

So here I am
growing older all the time
looking older all the time
feeling younger in my mind

And here I am
doing everything I can
holding on to what I am
pretending I'm a superman

I'm trying to sleep
I lost count of the sheep
my mind is racing faster
every minute

What could I do more
yeah I'm really not sure
I know I'm running circles
but I can't quit

And I'm so confused
about what to do
sometimes I want
to throw it all away

Controlling everything in site
I'm feeling weak
I don't feel right
you're telling me
I have to change
telling me to act my age
but if all that I can do
is just sit and watch time go
then I'll have to say good-bye
life's too short to watch it fly
to watch it fly

So here I am
growing older all the time
looking older all the time
feeling younger in my mind

And here I am
doing everything I can
holding on to what I am
pretending I'm a superman


lucia - northern star (how does she do it everytime?)







Current mood: nostalgic

(1 fuck you too | what the fuck did you say?)

Monday, October 17, 2005


so i got a call from chris today and he told me his grandmother died... i lost my stomach when i heard those words... this is driving me crazy he is so far away and i don't know if he is okay.. i want to walk to my car and just go... i have no clue if i could even make it.. it saddens me because she was THE grandma of all grandmas... wonderful human being... funny... a great cook... she was the first person other than his sisters i actually got to know in his family and felt they didnt hate my guts... i hope she is in a better place and i hope chris's mom is okay and all of them... dealing with a death is so fucking hard... :( i called and actually talked to jason on the phone to tell him.. what a uncomfortable conversation that was but i felt he needed to know and call chris to comfort him... i know hearing from the circle is the most comforting thing for me..

(what the fuck did you say?)

Monday, October 3, 2005


erin called me and told me kristin quit...my reaction? i wanted to jump up and start dancing and singing

Ding Dong! The Witch is dead! Which old Witch?
The Wicked Witch! Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.

Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead.
She's gone where the goblins go,
Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know the Wicked Witch is dead!

don't know why.. it's just the first thing that popped into my head...

we might actually have a functional starbucks now... YAY!


(1 fuck you too | what the fuck did you say?)

Thursday, September 29, 2005

12:10PM - dedicated to buck

today i want everyone that reads this to stop and think about your closest friends and remind yourself how rare they are. buck was the greatest friend anyone could have. he was loyal, respectful, and loving. he cared about everyone of us more than he cared about himself. anytime you needed him, he was there. he would do anything in the world to make you smile. if you have people in your life that do that for you, call them and tell them you love them more than they'll ever know. you never know what tomorrow brings, loosing someone like that is something you will never forget or get over. cherish every single fucking moment you have together. his death taught me one thing, loosing special people from petty fights and meaningless drama is the stupidest thing anyone can do. sometimes i still get wrapped up in it, but i think about everyone that has ever meant something to me everyday. there are voids in my life. don't walk that same path. i loved buck more than life itself. not having him here with me haunts me every moment of my life.

Belden "Buck" Fontenot III
September 29, 1986 - November 9, 2003

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2pac - life goes on

How many brothas fell victim to tha streetz
Rest in peace young nigga, there's a Heaven for a 'G'
be a lie, If I told ya that I never thought of death
my niggas, we tha last ones left
but life goes on.....

As I bail through tha empty halls
breath stinkin'
in my draws
ring, ring, ring
quiet y'all
incoming call
plus this my homie from high school
he's getting bye
It's time to bury another brotha nobody cry
life as a baller
alcohol and booty calls
we usta do them as adolecents
do you recall?
raised as G's
loc'ed out and blazed the weed
get on tha roof
let's get smoked out
and blaze with me
2 in tha morning
and we still high assed out
screamin' 'thug till I die'
before I passed out
but now that your gone
i'm in tha zone
'I don't wanna die all alone'
but now ya gone
and all I got left are stinkin' memories
I love them niggas to death
i'm drinkin' Hennessy
while tryin' ta make it last
I drank a 5th for that ass
when you passed....
cause life goes on

How many brothas fell victim to tha streetz
Rest in peace young nigga, there's a Heaven for a 'G'
be a lie, If I told ya that I never thought of death
my niggas, we tha last ones left
but life goes on.....

Yeah nigga
I got tha word as hell
ya blew trial and tha judge gave you
25 with an L
time to prepare to do fed time
won't see parole
imagine life as a convict
that's getten' old
plus with tha drama
we're lookin out for your babies mama
taken risks, while keepin' cheap tricks from gettin on her...
life in tha hood...
is all good for nobody
remember gamin' on dumb hoties at chill parties
Me and you
No true a two
while scheming on hits
and gettin tricks
that maybe we can slide into
but now you burried
rest nigga
cause I ain't worried
eyes bluried
sayin' goodbye at the cemetary
tho' memories fade
I got your name tatted on my arm
so we both ball till' my dying days
before I say goodbye
Kato, we're meant to rest in peace
Thug till I die

How many brothas fell victim to tha streetz
Rest in peace young nigga, there's a Heaven for a 'G'
be a lie, If I told ya that I never thought of death
my niggas, we tha last ones left
but life goes on.....

Bury me smilin'
with G's in my pocket
have a party at my funeral
let every rapper rock it
let tha hoes that I usta know
from way before
kiss me from my head to my toe
give me a paper and a pen
so I can write about my life of sin
a couple bottles of Gin
incase I don't get in
tell all my people i'm a Ridah
nobody cries when we die
we outlaws
let me ride
until I get free
I live my life in tha fast lane
got police chasen me
to my niggas from old blocks
from old crews
niggas that guided me through
back in tha old school
pour out some liquor
have a toast for tha homies
see we both gotta die
but ya chose to go before me
and brothas miss ya while your gone
you left your nigga on his own
how long we mourn
life goes on...

How many brothas fell victim to tha streetz
Rest in peace young nigga, there's a Heaven for a 'G'
be a lie, If I told ya that I never thought of death
my niggas, we tha last ones left
but life goes on.....

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today i am going to the cemetary and i made a cd of his favorite songs to play with him. i wish we were hanging out by the bonfire at his birthday party instead.

to buck:

where ever you are buck, have a good 19th birthday. you have your homies missing you here. i love you.


ICP - homies

Let me ask you this about this life we live
And let me try to swerve some of this attention you give
To them distant ass relatives over in Ham dinner
If they really miss you so much
Why don't they just call a (Muthafucka)
If you wasn't blood, would you still have love?
Or infact does the blood make you think you have to love?
Look I probably love my family more then anybody here
But my homies are family too
Third cousins get outta here
Who was you with when you got tattoos?
Who was you tripping with when you did them mushrooms?
Who the fuck threw up all over your car?
And then felt worse then you about that shit in the morning? (Friends ya'll)

Who loaned ya money, homie?
Who owes ya cash?
Who taught you how to use a bong for the grass?
I don't know much but I gotta assume
When ya hit ya first neden, ya homies was in the other room

We talkn' about HOMIES HOMIES!!! (Talkn' about those dogs of life!)
Our muthafucking HOMIES HOMIES!!! (We throwin' up Clown Love signs!)
Real juggalo HOMIES HOMIES!!! (Talk about those dogs of life!)
HOMIES HOMIES (Man that's my dogg)

Have you ever had a job that you truly dispise?
Like I dunno maybe dishwashing or fuckin flipping fries
Then you got this boss who thinks he's the don mega
Cause he the head manager Cheap chili fry maker
All you could vision is ya'll beating him down
Your homies standing on his back while your kicking his head around
But responsibility is there, I can't lie tho
I would a been plucked his fucking eyeball out with a chicken bone
Crazy as fuck I'll rip your peircings off
And now my homies are holding me back so I don't look soft

When you snuck the car out who did you get?
And when you got colour, who you blame that shit?
Who you relax around and scratch yo balls?
Homies, were talking about like you and yours!

We talkn' about HOMIES HOMIES!!! (Talkn' about the dogs of life!)
Our muthafucking HOMIES HOMIES!!! (We throwin' up Clown Love signs!)
Real juggalo HOMIES HOMIES!!! (Talk about those dogs of life!)
HOMIES HOMIES (Man that�s my dogg)
If ya don't like me ya can Fuck Off!! (Got a bullet for every one)
If ya don�t like me ya can Fuck Off!! (Got a bullet for every one)

Me and my homies stay tight like a noose
And if you step to one of us you betta step to the whole crew
I never knew that I could depend
That I could have some friends that's down til the very end
Well that's my home boys, excuse me, my family
And when we conquer the world
We macking on the galaxy cause the skys the limit
And we ain't finished
And if my homies gonna ride ya know I'm with it

Puff it and pass it and I give it to my homies ya'll
Hit it and quit it and then I give it to my homies ya'll
I got the world around my finger with my homies ya'll
And everything is obsolete unless I hear my homies call
We worldwide, were homies across the planet
Sticking together like zippers on Michael Jackson's 'Beat It' jacket
They got my back like a tat for that, I love ya'll
Hanging till we old and grey like grandpa (Psychopathic)

HOMIES HOMIES!!! (Talk about those dogs of life!)
My muthafucking HOMIES HOMIES!!! (Be throwing up Clown Love signs!)
We are juggalo HOMIES HOMIES!!! (Talk about those dogs of life!)
(Juggalo homies)HOMIES HOMIES (hey hey hey)
If ya don't like me ya can Fuck Off!! (Got a bullet for every one)
If ya don�t like me ya can Fuck Off!! (Got a bullet for every one)
If ya don't like me ya can Fuck Off!! (Got a bullet for every one)
If ya don't like me ya can Fuck Off!! Fuck Off!!! Fuck Off!!!
(Anybody Killa going off)
My mothafukin HOMIES HOMIES!!! (Talk about those dogs of mine!)
We are juggalo HOMIES HOMIES!!! (Be throwing up Clown Love signs!)
(Juggalo homies) HOMIES HOMIES!!! (Talk about those dogs of mine!)
(Eastside, Westside!)HOMIES HOMIES
If ya don't like me ya can Fuck Off!! (Got a bullet for every one)
If ya don�t like me ya can Fuck Off!! (Got a bullet for every one)
If ya don't like me ya can Fuck Off!! (Got a bullet for every one)
If ya don't like me ya can Fuck Off!! Fuck Off!!! Fuck Off!!!

Current mood: nostalgic

(1 fuck you too | what the fuck did you say?)

Thursday, September 22, 2005


so this rita bitch is making me worried... its supposedly going to houston.. pop quiz everyone... who lives in houston.. yep... i guess from living through katrina and seeing the death and destruction first hand has made me really paranoid but yeah this storm is stronger than katrina.. and houston isnt far from the coast at all.. i would die if ANYTHING happened.. my nerves are on edge...(cant stop biting things) and apparently i cant stop watching the weather channel which is the worst thing i could be doing right now.. :( i wish i could force them to leave but being in a situation is being in a situation.. i dunno blah fuck mother earth.... (plans to pollute that whore soon)

(what the fuck did you say?)

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


maybe i am too sensitive or maybe i believe too much but maybe just maybe this shit is happening on that unknown level... the other world is here.. lately the tv and the computer have been freaking out... kinda like when your cell phone goes off and its on top the tv but a lot of times the cell phone is no where to be found... the animals are watching things that arent there and someone called my name last night.. a male... i woke tim up trying to figure out if it was him but he was in a deep sleep... and the house is freezing... yeah i know tim keeps it at like -90 but it is REALLY cold.. it happened last year and THAT time of year it at my heels...

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Tuesday, September 20, 2005


so a random thought from me today while watching tv... i should buy KIDS.. that was a great movie.. casper... yeah he was hot.. i wonder what he is up to these days... internet search : justin pierce..... results? he hung himself a few years ago in a las vegas hotel... WHAT THE FUCK?!?! that is insane... i had such a crush on that guy... if you never seen kids or know who casper is.. he also played roach on the next friday.... (the one white guy in the movie)

brandie = sadness

50 minutes and counting until i have to get dressed and go to hell i mean starbucks... i am not sure what is up with the schedule... we are doing so much business and there was me and joey scehduled to close last night... like that makes any sense.. then erin called up there last night and was asking all these weird questions about sunday morning.. apparently some dumb cunt whore complained because there was no signs on the pastry case, someones shirt was too short and she saw back skin and one of our employee was smoking with his apron... all i said was we were busy and trying to carch up from the worlds worst close (NOTHING was STOCKED) and i am sorry i cant make ever whiney bitch that comes to get her over priced coffee happy..

i have been job searching... i need to get the fuck out of there...

Current mood: sad

(1 fuck you too | what the fuck did you say?)

Saturday, September 17, 2005

6:31PM - love

with all that hate i guess i needed some love too

i love weird foods especially when they are cured meat and sour/pickled foods....

for example

sauerkraut with tomato sauce and hot dogs
vinegar and salt chips
vinegar and tomato sandwiches


(1 fuck you too | what the fuck did you say?)

2:11PM - hate

the word of the day today kids is HATE

i HATE starbucks

i have offically lost rspect for starbucks and any "pride" i had for the company... in the last few weeks our store has been a caffine hell... our business has more than doubled and we are steadily loosing employess. If this shit keeps up there will be NO employees because everyone is getting sick of this bullshit. We works hours upon hours without lunches and breaks. We give 110% to just be under paid and treated like dog shit by our customers. We are suppose to take it and deal with it. We aren't suppose to talk about it, but even our store manager got a taste of it and she wanted to leave after a customer let off some steam on her. that happens to us everyday. more than once a day. it's ridiculous. then on the 2nd of this month i got a weird $500 deposit into my account. i had no clue where it came from. a few days later i got a letter in the mail from my bank saying it was wired into my account by the starbucks cup fund ( a fund to help partners in need) ... so yeah i figured that they were trying to help us out because we did loose power, days of work, and had family staying with us so i spent the money on overdue bills.. i go into work and erin told me that it was a mistake we got the money and they wanted to take it out of our accounts... apparently the people with direct deposit got the money but the people without it never received their checks because it was a mistake (or did they change their minds?) maybe old howard needed to pay his monthly payment on his bmw... anyway so she tells me this and is freaking out because her $500 went to a new mattress.. and if they would of taken $500 out of my account that would of left me with -$480 plus all the nsf charges which they didnt even think about until erin talked to our dm because she didnt have the $500 in her account either... they don't pay us enough to make $500 a paycheck to have that kind of money in our accounts.. we arent receiving the bonuses our dm is getting because of our store doing so good.... then it went to we are going to take it out of your next 5 to 10 paychecks... 5 paychecks would mean i would be bringing home $500 a month and that is not even the amount of my rent.. i havent heard anything since that day but i do not doubt it will resurface... our blood and sweat is equaled to nothing... then the boston globe comes to do a story about our store because all the rescue guys have been raving about us.. the key thing is they were raving about my store and my fellow workers. the ones that come in everyday and work their asses off for peanuts... so yeah i walk into the store when the reporter was there and almost everyone there had nothing to do with our "great store" they were employees, but not when all the shit hit the fan and we had lines out the door... there was my store manager, a new orleans store manager, our dm, a newly transfered shift (her 2nd day) and 2 of our employees that were on drive thru.. the point to the reporter coming was to see first hand what everyone was talking about.. and that was NOTHING like we were doing.. they took what starbucks considers "customer service" and fed it to those poor people so fakely, it made me sick... and the article came out:

A Starbucks becomes a port after the storm

By Sasha Talcott, Globe Staff | September 17, 2005

GONZALES, La. -- They drive up to the Starbucks store here in Humvees, wearing Army camouflage fatigues with guns strapped to their hips. They leave carrying crates of drinks -- mocha Frappuccinos, mostly, with whipped cream and straws -- careful not to spill as the wide vehicles bounce over the curb, too big to fit in parking spaces.

This store in Gonzales, the last open Starbucks before the devastation of New Orleans, has become a hub for police and rescue workers here, who work 12-hour shifts guarding against looters and carrying on the grim search of the city's fetid floodwaters.

''This is a little bit of civilization," said Scott Smith, a task force leader here for the swift water rescue team, who ordered a latte with four shots of espresso. Like many other weary customers, this is their primary source of caffeine. He has spent the last several weeks on boats in the New Orleans water looking for people to rescue. In the last several days, though, he has found only dead bodies floating in the muck.

At the Starbucks, where nearly every customer has been affected by the hurricane, employees have quit asking, ''How are you doing?" because they are afraid of what they might hear in response. Instead they say, ''We're glad you're here."

In line, two paramedics mentioned just before ordering their drinks that their rescue dog had taken a sip of the New Orleans floodwater and died a half hour later. Another couple, on their way to visit their New Orleans home for the first time since the storm, worried that it was under water.

As rescue workers and evacuees have inundated the area, business at the Gonzales Starbucks has doubled. It has run out of most breakfast foods, especially coffee cake and blueberry muffins. Employees started serving jumbo cookies in the mornings instead.

There also has been a run on Starbucks' largest drink size, venti. The store ran out of venti cups and lids for the next-largest size, grande. ''We had one guy get eight shots" of espresso, said Jennifer Hicks, Starbucks' district manager.

While waiting for her nonfat latte, Ruth Landis leaned over the coffee bar to talk to a Starbucks employee, who asked how her home had fared. She told him she was one of the lucky ones: ''We have two trees down, and no fencing, but that's what insurance is for," she said.

Many of the customers at the Gonzales Starbucks store are on their way to help the hundreds of stranded dogs and cats in New Orleans that their owners were forced to abandon in their homes. Some of the pets have not eaten since the storm.

''I found two dead dogs and a dead cat," said Jim Shimberg, a volunteer here from Campton, N.H., who went to New Orleans with a car full of dog food to help pets until their owners can return.

Some customers, who have lost everything, come to Starbucks because it is familiar. ''One lady told us, 'I have no control over my house or my car, but I have control over my drink,' " said Hicks, the district manager. The customer's order, at a store in Baton Rouge: a venti soy latte, with one packet of Equal and one of Sweet'N Low, no foam, heated to 160 degrees.

Nearly every evening, a group of military police working at a nearby shelter make a Starbucks run. Brandon Pelke, a specialist in the Arizona National Guard who was designated for Starbucks duty earlier this week, left the store with eight mocha Frappuccinos, which he put on the seat of his Humvee.

Pelke finds the work at the shelter depressing -- some of the evacuees resent the police presence, and the other day, his group had to shut down the showers because of unsanitary conditions.

With all that, he said, Starbucks has become the best part of his night. ''That and Wal-Mart," he said.

BRANDIE NOTE: the "a venti soy latte, with one packet of Equal and one of Sweet'N Low, no foam, heated to 160 degrees" yeah that's E Eric Gaywad's drink he calls the "E" .. his lives here in baton rouge.. what revelence does he have to this story.. he has been to our store maybe 3 times.... i havent seen him in months.. aww E had to go get some poor guy from benny's carwash to wash his SUV after that hurricane rain made it dirty.. i cry for him... and all his money... and our dm.. when has she worked behind the counter.. hold on let me count...... oh i remember ZERO TIMES!

did i mention someone did something to cricket!?!? (my all time favorite customer) and she will never come back... she came in to tell me bye and she couldnt tell me what happened... i guess whoever did it was there...


i HATE cox

cox communications... the leader of evil companies

so yeah the cell phone was getting to be a bit to expensive so i decided to get this bundle package from cox... phone, tv and internet... except it's been a week since i got it and i only get internet and phone for about 30% of the day.. and they are suppose to be coming today to see whats going on.... i was almost shocked and surprise when i had internet for like 4 hours straight and thought maybe they wouldnt need to come and low and behold i come to update my journal and BAM no internet so i go about unplugging the wires in the back to maybe reset it and one of them completely breaks... so here i am 2:15 pm and no internet or phone and i called them on my cell phone estimated wait time "14 weeks.. i now know what they were trying to do....

cox's evil plan: if people get our phone and our shit goes out they wont be able to call us!

but yeah they didnt give me a time they would be here today just "whenever we can get to it"

so they might never come


(1 fuck you too | what the fuck did you say?)

Friday, September 2, 2005


louisiana is not the sportman's paradise or the pelican state or the home of mardi gras or any of these anymore.. we are now the state of chaos... theres so much crap happening in and around new orleans... latest news in there is looting, murdering, raping, suicides, and gang wars everywhere in new orleans... there is also an alligator problem... not sure if anyone knows arron neville (singer) well his sister is a news reporter and she came down to help (the family is from here) and she was trying to get an old man rescued that was in a wheelchair.. well an alligator jumped out the water and took that old man away... now that is one of my biggest fears.. being eaten alive... god what a mental picture... our friend lynette that comes into starbucks all the time has been called to go to new orleans to help with the rescues.. she is a EMT and she came in before she left and held my hand and i just got the chills all down my spine.. i am so worried about her.. baton rouge and surrounding areas have a curfew.. starbucks is closing at 6 pm and even walmart isnt 24 hrs anymore... (i dont know about all of them but most arent) now when you dont have walmart at 2 am, you know something is wrong... and baton rouge has doubled its population in under a week... craziness.. getting gas is like an hour wait.. and people are fucking scared

but ..

I HAVE THE GREATEST NEWS EVER! of course anyone that reads this needs to forget they read it because it's on the down low right now but erin (my store manager) just called and she was talking to jenn (our district manager) about an idea i really wanted to do....

idea: to take the i love new york shirts and change them to i love new orleans and donate the money to the city... of course i didn't have the money to make the shirt....

so yeah

starbucks is going to make that happen for me...

this is going to be huge...

i finally feel like i am doing something about this depressing situation...

Current mood: crazy

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Friday, August 26, 2005


i just can't stop thinking about today and the baby and what not... a little update.. jamari came out so quick when the contractions started he didnt have time to get all the fluid out of his lungs and himself ready for delivery... so he is in baby icu but it't not anything serious.. the fluid is making him breathe a little heavy..and they did an xray he has a little air pocket outside of the lungs.. they said he should be fine but they wanted to keep him over night just in case.. but everyone knows me ... i worry and worry...

but yeah.. child birth...

everything i ever heard about it is always so great ... like:

1. "it's so beautiful"
2. "it's the mircale of life"
3. "it was so amazing to see my child born"

etc etc

but they always leave out the nasty shit i learned today like

1. when you loose control of your bottom half because of the pain killers you loose control of passing gas
2. when you are pushing you also piss and shit on yourself with all the blood and clumps
3. you have like 9000 people centered on your hoo hoo and it looks all huge and bloody
4. the doctor and nurses just come in and put their fist in your like it is nothing...
5. you get ripped open and they have to stitch you up again
6. while they are cleaning the baby the doctor is still there ripping everything out of you.. like the cord..


no baby for me... EVER!

i like my hoo hoo the way it is... and control how many people see it..

but jamari is so fucking cute! yay! i feel bad for amanda.. she has only got to hold him for like 2 minutes before they kidnapped him and sent him to be watched...


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a baby boy... 20 inches and 8.17 lbs.. his name is Jamari


i saw it all happen.. it was one of the weirdest things i have ever seen.. make me not wanna have kids... ever! but it was something i will remember forever.. and i am glad i got to be there with her... :)

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