brandie (iammyownidol) wrote,
brandie
iammyownidol

  • Mood:
i came home from work and overdosed on older ska and punk songs that made me roar with emotion when i was younger .. god i havent stood up and screamed my heart out in a long time... it used to be my coping tool.. now it kinda feels silly now that i am older....

chris's grandma's funeral ended up being in baton rouge so i got to see him and his family... i hope they are doing alright... the world is missing a very special lady now.. i met his great uncle and he is so wonderful...its hard to put into words what i thought of him... when he spoke i only understood about 10% of the spanish but it sounded so caring and romantic (not like sex you up romantic but the way they descibe a language romantic..) (me and my elementry spanish) i wish i could have met him on better circumstances.. he treated us all to dinner at PF Changs after the wake and it was a great supper.. everyone sitting and sharing great food and conversation... the "babies" are so grown now.. it makes me feel old.. but they are so interesting.. i got to talk to andrea a lot and she reminds me of us when we were her age.. him and devin stayed with me and i forgot how nice it felt to be my old self.. that socialite that runs the roads and sees more than 1 fimilar face a day.. i now understand completely why i feel so crappy all the time and gained so much weight.. i never sat around back then... the sitiuation sucked but the visit itself was nice.. i mourned them leaving... i feel so alone... i barely have close friends here anymore and the time of year and the weather is kicking in full force and i missing the old days.. how the fuck was i depressed back then? i had it all... can we change it back? when i had best friends in my life and when our biggest problem was figuring out who's mom was picking us up from the mall... it seems like when we all get back together our favorite topics are about the past... the present is crap..

but they had to go and it's back to normal life which leaves me in a weird mood... i feel so alien in my "new" life...

and work is the same but getting worse.. we are loosing more people and the schedule is so tight... today started off bad when i arrived late because of my piece of shit car not starting...and tim and i getting into it about the stupid car and him needing to fix it.. then today neither katy or i got a lunch because there were only 3 of us and we were busy and it just sucked... i gave up on it at the end of the day which i feel bad about but i was at my breaking point... i felt horrible about the place looking like shit and nothing being done... when david got there i went to the back because i was having a panic attack and katy came looking for me to help them and i couldnt do it... i failed her and joey at that moment and i am so sorry for it but i was falling apart.. the mixture of my depression, feeling like crap (i had a horrid headache the first half of my shift) and starbucks just fucking me in the ass ... i freaked out.. katy i am sorry! i did however today do a semi interview with maybe soon to be barista and that felt kinda cool to have that power.. someone being nervous to answer my questions... and deep down i was as terrified... maybe it is some ASM training... and becca left today :( we all cried.. :( she rocked

and on a lighter note angelina is doing great.. she was scaring me for a little while.. all she wanted to do was sleep ALL THE TIME! she just wanted her old aquarium back so hector gets the big one now she is eating crickets like crazy again...


i am so fucking confused about myself... my feelings... my life.. my everything.. i am a big pile of mess

goldfinger - superman <-- the way i feel

So here I am
doing everything I can
holding on to what I am
pretending I'm a superman

I'm trying to keep
the ground on my feet
it seems the world's
falling down around me

The nights are all long
I'm singing this song
to try and make the answers
more than maybe

And I'm so confused
about what to do
sometimes I want
to throw it all away

So here I am
growing older all the time
looking older all the time
feeling younger in my mind

And here I am
doing everything I can
holding on to what I am
pretending I'm a superman

I'm trying to sleep
I lost count of the sheep
my mind is racing faster
every minute

What could I do more
yeah I'm really not sure
I know I'm running circles
but I can't quit

And I'm so confused
about what to do
sometimes I want
to throw it all away

Controlling everything in site
I'm feeling weak
I don't feel right
you're telling me
I have to change
telling me to act my age
but if all that I can do
is just sit and watch time go
then I'll have to say good-bye
life's too short to watch it fly
to watch it fly

So here I am
growing older all the time
looking older all the time
feeling younger in my mind

And here I am
doing everything I can
holding on to what I am
pretending I'm a superman


____________________________

lucia - northern star (how does she do it everytime?)

ALL THE DAYS THAT CAME BEFORE YOU
WERE EMPTY BOTTLES ON THE SHORE
IT¹S BEEN A LIFETIME SINCE I¹VE SEEN YOU, YEAH
I STILL HAVE THE URGE TO CALL


GUESS I¹M BETTER OFF FORGETTING
WHAT I WISH THAT I HAD BACK
SO MANY THINGS I¹D LIKE TO ASK YOU, YEAH
LIKE DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS


YOU¹RE THE BRIDGE THAT I MUST CROSS
THE PUZZLE YET UNSOLVED A VOICE WITHOUT A REASON
BECKONING MY CALL
IMAGINARY FRIEND
YOU¹RE THE LOVER I ADORE
WONDER WERE YOU ARE
IF YOU REMEMBER ME


WHILE YOUR SEARCHING FOR YOUR NORTHERN STAR
THE HEART THAT YOU BREAK JUST MIGHT BE YOUR OWN
ARE YOU CERTAIN WHAT YOUR WISHING FOR
CAUSE THE HEART THAT YOU BREAK
JUST MIGHT BE YOUR OWN
JUST MIGHT BE YOUR OWN


LIVE TO SLEEP AND DREAM ABOUT YOU
IT¹S A STRANGE COMFORT TO MY SOUL
THEN I WAKE ALONE WITHOUT YOU YEAH
I¹M BETTER OFF NOT DREAMING AT ALL


WHILE YOUR SEARCHING FOR YOUR NORTHERN STAR
THE HEART THAT YOU BREAK JUST MIGHT BE YOUR OWN
ARE YOU CERTAIN WHAT YOU¹RE WISHING FOR
CAUSE THE HEART THAT YOU BREAK
JUST MIGHT BE YOUR OWN
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